White Flag
by SongBirdie
Summary: After a mistake, Olivia must live with the consequences of the actions and decisions she made. Songfic to Dido's White Flag.


**White Flag**

Sung by: Dido

Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU, it belongs to its respective creators, nor do I own White Flag. I do however, own Ella Serena Benson.

Warnings: Small spoilers for various episodes, but mostly A.U. This is a song fic, and written in response to the IPod shuffle challenge.

**I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, **

**Or tell you that,**

**But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it **

**Where's the sense in that? **

_After_

She knew that at the current time, he wasn't happy with her, at what they had done, and she understood that. She wasn't an easy person to deal with at the best of times; he had every right to be mad at her for how she messed up. How she let years of want override her common sense, again. Now, she had lost the best thing to ever happen to her because of it.

**I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder **

**Or return to where we were **

_After: Olivia _

Her resignation papers were in the Captain's email. Good, Lord, she had messed up big time. How could she tell him? It was supposed to be a secret, after all. Mentally, she snorted. Some secret, telling him when he was most vulnerably open to doing something he'd regret. And regret it he did, she could see it on his face. She knew they could never go back to the way things were. It was time to move on. As her Mother had always said, "All good things must come to an end."

**I will go down with this ship **

**And I won't put my hands up and surrender **

**There will be no white flag above my door **

**I'm in love and always will** **be **

_After: Olivia's decision _

Olivia Benson didn't see the looks of shock, anger, and concern on her former colleagues' faces when they heard that she had transferred to a different, unknown, out of state unit. If the Captain knew where she was, he didn't tell, just said she needed a change, and no, she wasn't undercover for the F.B.I. again, she was really gone this time.

**I know I left too much mess and **

**Destruction to come back again **

**And I caused nothing but trouble **

Olivia hated everything about her new life, the life she had forced herself to run to. She constantly had to remind herself that she had created the mess she left behind, the mess she couldn't face. The mess that he would never forgive her for, that it had been self preservation, not cowardice. She refused to be the woman that ruined a marriage, even if her mind told her that if it hadn't yet been destroyed, it was now.

**I understand if you can't talk to me again **

**And if you live by the rules of "it's over" **

**Then I'm sure that that makes sense **

She had given it all up for him, because she couldn't bear to see the look of hatred on his face. Olivia Benson had seen that look on too many people she loved, directed at her. Seeing that look on his face had been once too many already, she had to save what was left of her damaged heart. She had to protect her unborn child, no matter what the cost.

**I will go down with this ship **

**And I won't put my hands up and surrender **

**There will be no white flag above my door **

**I'm in love and always will be **

She couldn't put her, **their** child through the torture of having a parent who hated them because of how they were conceived. There were to be no repeats of her life.

No matter how much she missed him, how much she would always love him; it wasn't just her heart that was at stake anymore. It was their daughter's life, even though he would never know she existed.

**And when we meet **

**Which I'm sure we will **

**All that was there**

**Will be there still **

**I'll let it pass **

**And hold my tongue **

**And you will think **

**That I've moved on.... **

_Five years, seven months, ten weeks, and thirteen days later…_

Ella Serena Benson was five years old, and her mother was in disbelief. After five years, seven months, ten weeks, and thirteen days, she was going to see Ella's father again. And she would not tell him he had another daughter. He had patched things up with Kathy, they were happy, and she wasn't going to ruin that. It was for the best at least that was what she told herself.

**I will go down with this ship **

**And I won't put my hands up and surrender **

**There will be no white flag above my door **

**I'm in love and always will be**

_Eleven Years Later…_

Ella Serena Benson had never been told the truth. She was unaware of who her father was, just like he was unaware of her. The fact Olivia never said anything about him made her daughter angry. She was sixteen years old, and she had never been told anything about her father, except he was a wonderful man, but he hadn't been ready to be a father. Their latest fight had been about just that. If he wasn't ready then, surely he was ready now? Ella, until tonight, had been under the impression her father had chosen to have nothing to do with her, not that he had never been given the choice. It was easier for Olivia to let her believe that.

**I will go down with this ship **

**And I won't put my hands up and surrender **

**There will be no white flag above my door**

**I'm in love and always will be **

_Thirty one years after the fight… _

The truth had not gone over well with Ella Serena Benson. Her once close relationship with her mother had quickly turned sour after that. Her mother had gone to extremes to make sure she never found her father. His name had not been on her birth certificate, her mother had no photos of him that she could find, and she had never confided with anyone about who he was. Ella had stopped talking to her mother for a solid fifteen years, another four on and off. It was only on her death bed that her mother told her the whole story, the reason she had hidden her from her father, what her childhood had been like, what eighty-three years of life had taught her, and how much she loved her, how she had tried to do the best she could for her. Her last words as she took her last breath, her daughter holding her hand, were, "Elliot Stabler."

**I will go down with this ship **

**And I won't put my hands up and surrender **

**There will be no white flag above my door **

**I'm in love and always will be**

Olivia Benson watched from far above as her daughter met the people who had been her family for so many years, as they finally got to know what had happened to her. She was glad she had stuck to her guns, but as father and daughter hugged for the first time, tears screaming down their faces, at her funeral no less, she finally allowed herself to cry for what had never been.

Valerie Portolano June 6, 2009

Time Line: Olivia had Ella at thirty- six, the argument occurred when Ella was sixteen, making Olivia fifty-two. Things went completely sour when Ella was twenty, [there's your four and half years,] Olivia is fifty- six. The next fifteen years of not speaking makes Ella thirty- five, and Olivia seventy-two when Ella started speaking to her again, which leaves twelve years of peace that we know of between mother and daughter. Olivia's eighty-three when she dies, which makes Ella forty-seven when she finally meets her father at her mother's funeral.


End file.
